(crashing cymbals together as I enter the dining room, while the other wait staff roles out a cake behind me)

Hey, everybody...

We have a birthday boy here.

Let's all sing kevinduran "Happy Birthday" shall we?

"Happy Birthday to you"
"Happy Birthday to you"
"Happy Birthday, dear (looks down on paper to read name) Kevin"
"Happy Birthday to you"

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(Places sombrero on Kevin's head to further set him apart from the rest of the crowd)

Now blow out the candles!

Yay!

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(goes back to dealing with all the other fucking customers)