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I'm a little perplexed lately.

A couple of friends of ours are on the verge of getting a divorce (it's pretty much probalby a done deal except for the signing of papers and stuff by now).

I don't get why people even fucking BOTHER TO GET MARRIED if they're going to FUCK IT UP!

When I was a kid, when my parents first got separated, I was in kindergarten. Lord only knows when the final proclamation was signed 'cause I was living with my grandparents by then. I was the odd duck back then. The ONLY kid in my class with divorced parents. I didn't meet another kid with divorced parents until I was in fifth grade.

Nowadays, of the three other familes of kids that lived on that street: Jorge and Bob's parents are divorced, as are Kim and Edmund's (both sets happening while we were college age). Jorge himself has been divorced and remarried. Of the third family, the Montgomerys, their middle son, Scott, is also now divorced.

Of my friends in college: Michael's parents are divorced, Darryl got divorced, Dina got divorced, Shareen got divorced, Michelle is divorced, Michaela is divorced and remarried.

Other friends and family: Paul's parents, Paul's grandparents, Jarvis' parents, Irene's parents... another very close friend of mine (who is herself the mother of other friends) recently left her husband (granted, she'd been saying she'd do it ever since I've known her).

Not to mention all the couples we know from the community theatre(s) that have broken up (sometimes helped by backstage romances).

What the fuck, people?
And then you hear this bullshit that statistically couples that have been together longer than five years before getting married are more likely to get divorced. Paul and I have been together for nearly fourteen and living together for nearly eleven. We CAN'T get married, legally. Would that count for us? I don't want to be superstitious over such a thing as marraige/commitment/whatever the fuck they want to call it. After all the shit we've been through together, I can't imagine anything tearing us apart (though I've gotten the feeling every so often that some "friends" have tried to do it by trying to poison us against each other...we just refuse to fall for it and I can tell it drives them crazy.).

So, she made you change your job to one less lucrative and she's still spending too much money and bankrupting you? Cut her credit cards! Some other guy put his dick in her (or him)? Get over it...why let THAT ruin it for you (I never understood the big problem with sex with others. The only problem is if your partner is EMOTIONALLY attached to their new play date)? You have different hobbies/interests now that you're both adults? Find some middle ground or maybe you could both try something ELSE together. He/she is doing drugs or something else unsavory...get them help...an intervention maybe or put them in a rehab center.

You just have to except the good with the bad people. You said vows in front of your families and friends swearing that you'd stick by each other no matter what...that's what that whole "in sickness and in health" schpiel is supposed to be about if you weren't paying attention.


Granted there are really GOOD reasons for divorces: one of the partners is physically (or otherwise) abusing the other or their children, for instance. I do think that all the gay guys who are married to women owe it to their wives to finally come out of the closet and STOP LYING to themselves, their wives and to society. I'm sure there are other things, but none are currently coming to mind.


( 9 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 13th, 2006 11:36 am (UTC)
Married couples get divorced for the same reason that dating couples break up: you grow apart, have nothing at all keeping you together, or else are just completely incompatible. These things happen. Relationships are completely dynamic, not static.

Look at Joanne and me. We should have never gotten married in the first place. We had nothing in common. We were on completely different planets and weren't even friends. I couldn't sit and talk with her like I could you, Paul or Mike. She and I didn't have a connection. It just took a few years for us to realize it.

Now Look at Christene and me. She's without a doubt the best friend I've ever had. She gets me. We can sit and talk on the couch and not get bored, even after 12 years. We can talk on the phone about stuff. And, this is the most important piece, we can be in the car or living room or whatever and not talk and it's perfectly comfortable. The relationship takes no explicit effort to maintain, it just works.

The difference was that we were friends before we married and we never lost that friendship. It's my impression that the divorces that happen result from either someone cheating (betraying the trust) or the couple growing apart and no longer being friends. Can you imagine being forced to live with someone, something as intimate as sharing a house, and you're not friends?

So, to answer your question, "Why get married in the first place?", the reasons haven't changed. Just the ability to end a bad marriage has become more acceptable to people. If divorce weren't so easy, I would still be married to someone who wasn't my friend. And that kind of unending intimacy breeds nothing but resentment.
Apr. 13th, 2006 02:34 pm (UTC)
I understand that you and Christene are happy now and I'm very glad about that. I guess I just don't understand why you ended up with Joanne in the first place.

Did you "have to" get married?

But, even then, I guess I don't understand why you would even DATE someone you had so little in common with. (you were, as many were, very young when you married and learned from it).
Apr. 13th, 2006 08:27 pm (UTC)
Unfortunately, yes, Joanne and I did have to get married. She was pregnant with Drew and it was the "right thing to do". And I wonder how many of the divorces you mention are a result of people having done the "right thing" only to realize later that it's never the right thing.

As for the second question: we started out dating because there was a mutual attraction and some basic compatibilities between us. But, those weren't enough to sustain a marriage, which resulted because we were also sexually active but not using protection. The marriage was the result of a bad choice (unsafe sex) which was the result of a neither-good-nor-bad choice (the dating). It was irresponsibility on both of our parts, and that's not an excuse at all for what happened.
Apr. 13th, 2006 12:55 pm (UTC)
i read a study that said that people are just too impulsive to get married and they blamed it largely on the fact that the country is so "marriage based" and all the pressures that are instilled into people blah blah blah

that being said.. i divorced my first husband because he used me as a punching bag...repeatedly.

but i totally agree with you. i swore i'd never ever ever get married again until i was totally sure with someone.. and now i cant imagine anyone else.

i get so mad when i hear about cases like you and paul and yet i see asshats abusing the rights they do have.

Apr. 13th, 2006 01:39 pm (UTC)
I don't necessarily think that everybody that gets divorced does so because they've fucked things up. My parents divorced when I was 16. I remember asking my mom once why she ever got married to my dad. The answer was simple: "he was a different person when we got married." People change. Some people change A LOT. My father had already transformed into an asshole by the time I was born so I never got to see the the good version of him.

My mom doesn't have any regrets about marrying him. She wouldn't have had me otherwise.
Apr. 13th, 2006 02:38 pm (UTC)
Well, with my parents...

...he cheated on her (bringing his mistress even back to THEIR MARRIAGE BED...which I do think is the worst way to cheat).

...she realized later on that she'd been gay all those years and hadn't come to terms with it. Women/society didn't really discuss sexuality/lesbianism back then. You were supposed to only work or go to school with one final goal in mind...finding a husband.

I certainly understand their reasoning for the divorce. And intellectually, I can even understand their reasoning for marrying (at least in that society of the late 60's), but I just wish more people wouldn't make those mistakes nowadays.
Apr. 13th, 2006 04:29 pm (UTC)
My dad had an affair too- with a woman he met at church. CATHOLIC church. (The rest of the family was no longer attending church at this point.) It was quite the scandal in our small town. Everyone knew...

I think times have changed so much now. Marriage just isn't that necessary anymore, unless you plan on having kids. It seems more like a business arrangement than anything!
Apr. 22nd, 2006 11:35 am (UTC)
I think times have changed so much now. Marriage just isn't that necessary anymore, unless you plan on having kids. It seems more like a business arrangement than anything!I think times have changed so much now. Marriage just isn't that necessary anymore, unless you plan on having kids. It seems more like a business arrangement than anything!

Which really brings marriage full-circle back to what it originally was: a contract between two people.
Apr. 16th, 2006 01:30 am (UTC)
But then there's always the "stay togather for the kids", which is never better for the kids. And in about 99.99% of those cases the only reason they even got married, was because of the kids.

You know my family situation. And with my parents fighting alll the time and then progressng to "other" things as a result, I'd prefer that they'd divorce. Actually, never had been married at all.
( 9 comments — Leave a comment )

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